Ms. Patricia Opong-Brown - TRICARE Management Activity
2009-06-03

According to the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland, there are three important central approaches to help children cope during deployment. Reinforce that the deployed parent is trained to do his or her job, reinforce that the family and children at home also have jobs, and ensure that communication with the children is age appropriate.

Just like doctors have special training to take care of people who are not feeling well or firefighters have special training to fight fires, the Active Duty parent has to assure children that he or she has the training and skills to do the work while deployed.

Military medical experts suggest reminding children that while their parent is deployed, they have roles in the household that are just as important. The jobs can be helping mom or dad around the house, being successful in school, taking on new chores or maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

“On the other hand, it is not healthy to tell a son that he is going to be ‘the man of the house,’” said Ms. Jennifer Wickizer, Community Readiness Consultant, Airmen and Family Readiness Center (A&FRC), Bolling Air Force Base. This puts too much pressure and stress on the child.

“Parents need to discuss the pending deployment with children in ways that are age-appropriate,” said Ms. Wickizer. She also stresses that parents should take their cues from the child to determine how much information should be presented. Provide just the right amount of information and answer questions accordingly, but do not get into information overload mode. “Encourage children to express their feelings: sad, mad or happy, and validate their emotions,” she said.

Since preschoolers have no concept of time, experts recommend parents use visuals to illustrate when mom or dad will be coming home. For instance, says Ms. Wickizer, “a candy jar with jelly beans is a good visual. Count the number of jelly beans for each day the parent is expected to be away, and each day the child can take a jelly bean out of the jar. As the deployment moves on, the jar has less jelly beans in it.”

The consultant cautions parents against marking the return date on the calendar because deployments are very unpredictable. For example, said Ms. Wickizer, “the parent can be held over or extended. When the parent does not come home on the day with the big red circle, this creates a huge disappointment for the child. On the other hand, unlike the big red circle on the calendar, a candy jar can easily be manipulated. If the parent at home gets news that the deployment is extended, he or she can slip more candy into the jar, or remove candy if the deployed parent will be coming home sooner.”

“Planning an event in the future, such as a family vacation, not only gives the child something positive to focus on, but also reassures the child that the parent will come home. Just do not make any plans too close to the anticipated return date in case the deployed member is not able to come home at that exact time,” recommended Ms. Wickizer.

Before he deploys at the end of the year, Senior Master Sergeant (SMSgt)LesRoy Williams, assigned to the Logistics Readiness Squadron at Seymour Johnson Air Force Base, North Carolina, and his family will watch Sesame Street’s Talk, Listen, Connect: Helping Families During Military Deployment with their 4-year-old daughter.

All Military families with children 3- to 5-years-old can get streaming video or request a free bilingual kit at http://www.sesameworkshop.org/tlc.The kit educates parents and caregivers on how to help children cope with all areas of pre-deployment, deployment, and homecoming.

Russell Research, Inc., in consultation with the Military Family Research Institute, surveyed 367 spouses of Active Duty, National Guard, and Reserve personnel. More than 80 percent of those surveyed rated the Sesame Street DVD and kit highly effective and easy to understand for both children and adults. Families also reported that the program increased communication about deployment and reduced negative behaviors.

Unlike preschoolers, elementary school-age children have a better concept of time, but “candy jars work for this age group as well,” said Ms. Wickizer. At this age, the deploying parent and the child can come up with ways to stay in touch or think of each other. For instance, the child and parent can wear synchronized stop watches and set the alarm to go off at a determined time. Each time the alarm goes off, it will mean, “I’m thinking of you,” suggested Ms. Wickizer.

Abstract thinking begins at ages 9 through 12. This age group understands the concept of a return date. Military experts recommend providing children in this age range with stationary and stamps to write letters or set up e-mail accounts for keeping in touch and communicating with their deployed parent. The A&FRC provides writing kits for children of various age groups.

In addition to writing letters, children can also write in journals. Health Net Federal Services, the TRICARE managed care support contractor for the northern region, has produced a journal aimed at Military children. Life, a Kids’ Journal, helps Military children successfully deal with challenges, especially deployments. The journal helps children make sense of their feelings while mom or dad is deployed. Organizations in the TRICARE northern region can order complementary copies by e-mailing their request to HNFS_Communications@healthnet.com. Anyone can download the journal from the link found at https://www.hnfs.net/common/newsResources/Kids+Journal+News+Release.htm. The Military Health System Web site has a “Kid’s Corner,” where children will be able to share their writing, artwork or drawings at http://mhs.osd.mil/kidscorner.jsp.

According to Ms. Wickizer, “High school kids are a little harder to please and e-mail is the best recommendation for teenagers. By working with the child’s school, the deploying parent can arrange to make morale calls to the child at school.” Deployment journals are another tool for middle school and high school kids.

When it gets closer to his deployment date, SMSgt Williams will talk about where he is going with his 16-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son. If the location is not classified, he will have them research the country online. Ms. Wickizer recommends http://www.deploymentkids.com. “This Web site provides information about various deployment locations, but it is set at kids’ level so that just the right amount of information is provided.”

In addition to researching, SMSgt Williams will give his children a travel window rather than exact dates, “which will cover any changes and reduce thoughts of ‘daddy’s lost’ or ‘daddy did not make it,’ if they do not hear from me right away.”

Pre-deployment is a busy time for the Military member, but it is important to make time to talk as a family. Encourage every member to express how they are feeling. “I honestly think maintaining a positive communication structure with your children before, during, and after your return helps to build a stronger relationship, which creates an emotionally sturdy child,” said SMSgt Williams. “Especially for when the next deployment rolls around, and believe me, it is coming.”

For more information about children coping with deployment, go to a local A&FRC, Marine Corps Community Services, Army Community Services, Fleet and Family Support Center or visit http://www.militaryonesource.com or http://www.healthnetfederalservices.com.

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